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Friday 1 November 2013

A Case of the Crazies

Perhaps it is the dull weather, dull routine, grey clothes I've been wearing, but I find this makeup from the Dior catwalk (summer 2010) exciting. Arresting. Fun. (Love the one in the middle!)

Must try it. NOW.



Of course, to carry off a look of such vivacity, some people may require gin in their system (a good substitute for confidence).

I think I have an inbuilt reservoir of--some would say madness--I prefer to think, spunk--and I will definitely wear this tomorrow.
Out. To a much-dreaded party. With masses of desi aunties (read: judgemental and easily mesmerized by Shah Rukh Khan) around.

Me: GREETINGS, AUNTIES PLURAL!
Aunties: (not looking up) 'Slamlaykooooom, betaaaaa... 
Me: Here be my child-a-roo, as they say in Australia!
Aunties: (immediately turn, arms outstretched, ready to grab my first-born and run)..ARAYYYYY! Wutta kyoooootie! My bayyyybeee! Come here my child! Come to mama! Not the imposter mama who's kept you away for so long...the real deal! ME! ME! ME! (all aunties saying "me!" and surging forth, trying to get to baby)
Aray Shayma, SHAME ON YOU! You selfish woman! I lost my maid this year!
Aray Ghazala, I'm better with children. Your tarantula lashes will scare him.
Aray Ursula, I have a brooch pin and don't think I'll hesitate to use it!
Aray Rasmalai Dood, you already got your glory, when you tore off a piece of Hrithik Roshan's collar at the Toronto Film Festival. Beastly hag. It's my turn now!

Me: Now, now, auntie-poos, one at a time, in an orderly fashion, s'il vous plait.
Aunties (looking up to challenge me, menacing eyes): NAWW! ME FURRRST--... (it hits them).. Aray beta?!?!?!
Me: Yes, doting auntie of mine, unrelated, whose name I do not know, and who I met but once before?
Aunties: Y-y-y-you...
Me (eyebrow raised): Yes....?
(silencio)

An aunty steps forth (the first to recover): Beta... what have you done to yourself?
Another aunty: SHE'S POSSESSED! MADNESS! THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE WATER!
A third: HAUNTED!
A fourth: DJINNS!
(shrieks as all aunties run from the room, shimmying as fast as they are able in saris and high heels, and drive off)

One can dream.

 

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